It hurts to know that people’s attitudes and feelings can change so quickly. In one moment, we can be the best of friends, sharing good feelings and maybe even a genuine connection with each other; then in another, there’s nothing. Game over.
Yes, I am not a perfect person, and I readily and willingly admit to my fair share of mistakes made. Nonetheless, towards other people - and particularly towards those I care about - I will make an effort, no matter how big or small. It’s just that as time goes by, you start to realize more and more often that there are times when no matter what you do, a person’s feelings won’t change. You can try all you want, do everything in your power to let the other person know how you feel, and that you’re willing to tackle head-on whatever issues that existed before. You can try to apologize, and see if there is any way to make up for the past, make amends. But it doesn’t work. And that’s just too bad.
I’ve been taught from a young age that as long as you work hard enough, the world is at your disposal. With the right amount of effort, and maybe just a tiny bit of luck, anything is possible. I mean, that is what the American Dream is all about, isn’t it? Hard work, and perseverance? But of course, as with with all things, life doesn’t always work out the way you plan. I know I just stated above that people’s feelings won’t change, and yet I’m addressing the fact that people can change. Sounds rather contradictory, doesn’t it? But that’s the thing. From what I see so far, everything is just one big contradiction. People can change so easily, but when it comes time to trying to convince that person that things can go back to the way they were when good memories were made, that things can get better, he or she suddenly becomes stubborn. No, they may say. You can’t change me. It’s better to leave things be.
When it comes to a relationship, nothing can be changed when only one person fights for it; both sides need to be involved. With one, comes inspiration. With two comes teamwork, a partnership formed. And with three or more, revolution.
I guess it’s just harder for me to grasp the idea that people can change, just like that. I myself have made a number of changes in my life over the course of several years, but I have always been more consistent in the way I do things, and in the way I am as a person overall. It takes me a while to get used to idea of having something or someone in my life, but once I do, it’s there. I mean, once you’re in, you’re in, you know? I don’t know how else to say it; once I’ve accepted you as a definite part of my life, I will fight for you. Period. I’m just stubborn that way. And another thing is, I just don’t know when to give up sometimes. Even when it’s hurting me, even when it’s so painfully obvious to everyone except for myself. Yes, even then. So really, why is that?
It’s hard for me to let things go. And I guess that’s my problem: I take things too personally. And even if at times I don’t show it outwardly, you can bet that I really do feel it all the same. I mean, I’m only 19 years old, for heaven’s sake. Yet I’m letting all of the past memories weight me down like this. Even now, while looking back on a certain memory, I can still feel the hurt attached to it, as if it just happened recently.
It’s only started to get worse in recent years though. And I know, a lot of you are probably thinking to yourself, just move on already! And in a lot of ways, it’s true. Oftentimes, things happen for a reason. A relationship ends because one person becomes too emotionally abusive. A student gets fired from his job, but realizes that he hated working there anyways, and was wasting his time when there are better alternatives. I’m not dumb, it’s not as I didn’t know all of this already. So why am I still trying so hard, when it’s so obviously not going the way I want it to?
The easiest answer to that would be it’s because I’m in denial, plain and simple. True, but that’s not entirely the reason. In the end, I guess it’s because some part of me still refuses to give up hope, to become entirely jaded. I refuse to stop thinking that efforts really can make a different, because really, what would be left if that really was the case?
And in regarding those relationships with people, where the feelings have changed? Some, I have given up on already, for the most part. And yet there are still others continuing to this day. It’s not as though there really are that many. But for those that exist, a whole spectrum of emotions continue to reside in me over the thought of them, even now.
One of the emotions I detest feeling the most? Regret. Oh, and disappointment.
Alright, I kind of let this rant get a bit out of hand. It started off being semi-addressed to a few people that I had in mind, but then grew to include several others. Now, it’s mostly just directed towards myself. Read if you’d like, and I won’t ask you to take anything from it, agree with me, or even like it. As I said, it’s mostly for my personal benefit anyways. It’s a space for me to grieve for some lost friendships, and for a loss of self in many ways as well.